2 more nights to decide what ever am i going to do about christmas dinner??

Hey Everyone. thought this was a good time to do some blogging cause i have something that i am fighting with.
Well i was safe from having Christmas dinner until mom called us all and said we are going ahead with the Christmas dinner despite the 2 deaths that we had to deal with recently.

So, starting tonight i have been really thinking about what am i going to do.
(1) Am i going to indulge for the one night?
(or)
(2) Am i going to stay away and just eat my own foods?

Its a very difficult decision and let me explain why.

Reasons why I should eat at Christmas..
-I have been doing so extremely well, that personally i know weight wise, one night would not hurt me.
-I have been so strong and have kept up with my challenge to change my body, not cheating once in 7 weeks that I think i deserve to have one night of whatever i want.
- I am going to have to do this later on, sooner or later..i cannot be afraid of the odd day that comes up such as birthdays, anniversaries,new years, Christmas, i mean i am only human. I just have to learn to control.
- I should just do it, just to do it at Christmas, get it out of my system, and get back on track the next day starting with the gym in the morning.
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But these are the reason why i feel i shouldn't...
1- what if that one taste brings back those evil cravings again, what if i cannot regain control, and all of a sudden i get weak.
2-What if i cannot stop. (And I have to ask myself do i really want to even try this)? To perhaps allow my body to start all over again with those terrible cravings for chocolate, pastas breads..fried stuff, sweet stuff cakes MCDONALD's lol

What to do??? i don't know what i am going to do. All i know is either way that night is not going to be a good one. Because i might have to face all my family eating and i will be eating my own stuff, or, i might deal with it, eat for that one night, and then deal with feelings of guilt, and who knows how my body will physically react to it, perhaps get sick...all for that one night of indulging.

And tonight i am thinking about it so much, that in turn its making me want chocolate and all those foods I know will be there all of a sudden. Life really sucks sometimes!

And it was funny i went to McDonald's the other day with my mom, while Christmas shopping, and i brought my own food there for lunch...and at first i was really proud and i thought, this is great to have control over myself for once, my being, I mean to not let those foods get a hold of me and ruin me like they once did. I mean who do you know brings their own chicken sandwich to McDonald's?? I don't know any!lol
But then, I looked around, and i realized i started getting mad watching everyone eat big macs and fries, and all that stuff. I don't know why. I was so mad! And from being happy, i was getting this face on me of just anger. Why do i have this problem, why cant i be one of those people that can just eat and eat and eat and not gain a pound. Anyways, weird, i think all this Christmas stuff is just getting to me lately. All this shopping and in our family..especially being Italian, its not the same (Christmas) without the food!lol
everyone looks forward to the food. nevermind the presents.lol

But I have to remember one thing. And that is since i have regained control on what goes in my mouth, its funny because I now have had time to enjoy simple things like watching my own kids eat without wanting more, or in this case nothing of theirs. Sounds strange but its so true. I never did that before because food just takes over your thoughts, and that's all you are thinking about, is yourself eating. Man that is scary when looking back. Today this life, its all about eating all the time.
Now that my head and stomach don't say food all the time, it leaves you with more time to enjoy different little things where before food basically controlled everything!

well.. in the end this is a choice that I am going to have to make myself. No one will make that one for me. All i know is that, no matter what happens, that i will not only tell you all about it..lol
but, that in the end, i will come up on top! Whatever decision I make regarding that night, I will live with it, and the next day will be a whole new day...either way!
I AM going to win this battle, I am going to be a healthy more confident person after all this, I will be so different in the end that people wont even recognize me. I may not even recognize myself!

This is definitely the toughest challenge i have ever had to face in my life. And lately all this thinking, regarding this Christmas feast that i am going to have to confront, I find myself looking in the mirror wondering if i even look smaller like I once thought, cause with all this thinking going on with the thoughts of foods that i haven't had in a long time, i feel like i still look like the same person before losing weight. Isn't that strange how your emotional side can totally change how you perceive yourself like in my case its as if that woman from even before i started is back again! The one who never exercised, the one who ate whatever and did not take responsibility, the one that basically took the easy way out.
All this negative thinking about food etc..its affecting how i am seeing myself as well! Isn't that crazy? But yet its so real, and I believe now, and i think i just realized something new!! when you hit a bump in the road, for whatever reason that might be, you all of a sudden find yourself seeing the OLD you, as you were, when you started, before even losing any weight, and the negative thoughts along with that view, I believe this most probably might be one of the reasons why i and many people ended up failing in the past. You just basically give up, almost like its not worth the hassle, its just so much easier eating whats fast and simple.
But no one said life was easy. And if you want something bad enough..you have to work hard for it! And we all just have to remember ..even though it might feel like its far away right now, its really not, and when done..you will finally be free! And I personally will have fought the demon that got me here in the first place!
C.W.H.T.I