Friday Night at the gym...turned bad!

Hey everyone. I just finished my supper and its now 8:46 p.m. A little late but I went to the gym after work. I am still sick, cant seem to kick this cold. I have a bad cough and all congested, and my throat was hurting today and tonight... until i went to the gym. It just seems like when I go and workout my throat doesn't hurt after..strange..maybe its the heat going on inside soothes the throat.smiles
but i am sure tomorrow morning it will hurt once again. I think if it does I will be doing a visit with a local clinic.

Anyways I never did mention this but I HATE going to the gym on Friday nights. But if for some reason I miss morning, I have to go at night and since I woke up in really rough shape this morning due to my cold..I just decided to go tonight instead. But there are always younger guys there, who think they are all that, and just make people like myself who are just normal feel uncomfortable.They are just distracting, and swearing, and just talking silly.

However,the workout started off OK. I'm kind of getting used to not caring about what others think.( I really think mentally I am starting to get stronger).so i went ahead and did my warm up, my stretches and got started on my weight training...but .....right at the end where I had to do my sets of squats, the last exercise (which are the hardest I find, not sure if my trainer did that route on purpose) Some guy comes over and asked me if I was finished with the last machine. And i was like ya sure..sorry go ahead.
I always find myself apologizing for things..not sure why. And One other thing about me I am always polite and smile when i talk. Its just the way I was brought up. He actually reacted kind of snobbish..didn't even comment..and went on to do his own thing..i was like whatever. Not sure why he wasn't friendly but I had other more important things to concentrate on.

Then his friend comes along..and starts talking stupid. Actually at first I thought he was just making friendly conversation, started telling me how his friend is looking good, and how he used to be alot bigger, that how he still has a stomach but doesn't he look good'? i was like i guess ya,,,(because I wasn't sure where he was coming from)and then he just kept jabbering and telling me how he knows his father and that the two are like brothers and that his dads name is Ben or something...and he started laughing. He had like this smirk on his face.

So what started off as I thought was just conversation, I realized this guy is talking stupid with me. And he was kind of laughing etc..well...didnt that turn me the wrong way.
Even though he didn't say anything to hurt my feelings directly, it was just something in how he was talking, the look he was giving his friend, the whole situation made me really uncomfortable, not to mention mad!Now that I am older, I have seen jerks, I can smell them from far away and I just knew in my mind at that point, OK ...stay away!

So my last squats that I had to do...boy did I do them! I mean I was so angry that he did this to me...that I ended up taking it more out on my legs(which was a good thing now that i look back) but , I have to say it left me later feeling sad.

A sadness came over me. And when i was doing my cool down on the treadmill..i just thought things like...why isn't my trainer here with me?, if he was here, they wouldn't have talked to me like that. Why were they laughing? were they laughing at me?..was that guy just being sarcastic with me for fun?.to have a laugh?.at least what he thought was fun.....

At one point I just put my head down while walking on that treadmill and I just felt like i was going to cry. It was strange how that got to me. I started off on a high and all of a sudden I hit like an all time low!
Once i got into my car, not even my favorite group "Hedley" that I always listen to on my CD player .. could get me out of that quiet stage. I just found myself rehashing the whole situation, I was so quiet, feeling sad and upset. That is one thing I am going to have to learn not to do. I tend to think alot, and sometimes really analize things. Really, I should have not let a petty thing like that get to me.

But driving home I just couldn't help thinking about that whole situation, and it just started bringing back alot of memories and things i have been through in the past.I wasn't going to write about them but hey may as well write a couple at least.

I remember back in grade 7..a great time when kids are just plain ol mean..this one guy every time i took a step he would make these noises. Boom boom boom boom Something i have seen in movies ..but it happened to me..and then they would call me chunky. i can still hear them in my mind(there were only 2 boys) but they would say that..chun-ky chun-ky..chun-ky..god. Makes me tear up just thinking about it. I held that memory inside for so long. I have never even thought about it again up until tonight. I never told anyone about that or how it made me feel. The only people who knew were the people in my class that would hear it as well. Although, none of them would ever stick up for me or for a situation like that, because everyone had their own issues to worry about.

I also remember another time, i went to this party with this girlfriend at the time and her boyfriend. And when i got there with them..the friend who was having the party (the host)looked at them and me at the door and said in Italian(never realizing that I was Italian) why did you bring this cow?
Yup that's what he said. I remember feeling shocked. Because at the time I wasn't even big like now. ........................................................................
(sorry I just had to pause, and sit back for a minute a little shocked that I am even opening up about those memories that I just wrote on the screen)

I suppose there are alot of these memories that I have stored that never really surface. I mean people know me as a friendly person always smiling, not to mention in high school I always had really cute guys as friends, but yet...like many I had my share of sadness throughout my years.
And i think if anything tonight, those guys just brought it all back. I left the gym and just felt so sad. People, unless they have been in my shoes and have been overweight etc..could never understand how those remarks just kill.
Being overweight is so terrible, because its not like something you can hide. Its reality and its right out for all to see.

Anyways I don't want to talk anymore about this depressing stuff. I will leave it at that for tonight,.all i know is that I am feeling stronger. I am determined not to fail. I made it to the gym tonight, without supper, in a blizzard like weather ..lots of snow and being sick so if that doesn't tell you how determined I am..not sure what would.
My trainer and I are going to be on a local programming channel soon, and i have alot of stuff to look forward to.

I love my trainer so much. I cannot speak more highly about anyone. I think he has made me believe the fact that I can do this, its not that bad, and he is just so fantastic to talk to. I know he is going to be there every step of the way, because that is just the kind of person her is. He would never leave me hanging. He is so positive and such a believer. So sweet and understanding, he is there for me, and i feel that. I guess we were meant to meet up again.

He was someone i went to school with but never actually got close to. But I think this is a project that if anything will bond us. I think i am going to learn so much from him and this experience and I also believe that he will learn something from this/me as well.
I want to prove to him that I can do it, that i can follow direction, and most of all I want him to see me, and see all the changes he will help me make, because in the end it takes both me and him to work together. I need his experience..his own years of hard work, and he needs me to actually physically change by following his directions, because the end result will be what we both put into this. He has never actually worked with someone in the weight category as myself, so I am sure this is a great project for him as well, and you better believe that I will be letting people know about him!!! He is a person that deserves every bit of success from this, from a business stand point.

I will never forget his words when he told me, if I just needed his help to change, with no publicity stuff he would have done it for me for free anyways...because its his passion ..and you know what...I really believe that! It just shows what kind of man he really is. (My angel)

anyways I have to go I am getting way to sensitive on things tonight.
Tomorrow is a whole new day. And I am looking forward to that scale on Monday. and don't forget DECEMBER 11th...EXACTLY 1 month after photos to compare.!!!
cant wait!!
C.W.H.T.I.